Related Reading
Activities are based on Chapter 3, “Rapport,” in Healing with Language.
Matching and Mirroring
Matching and mirroring are important signs of congruence and rapport. People in rapport will match and mirror automatically. Matching and mirroring may also be used to help gain rapport, but be careful to avoid “mimicking.”
Congruence
The term, “congruent,” refers to being in agreement or harmony with. When verbal behavior and nonverbal behavior are conveying the same message (often “yes” or “no”) a person is said to be “congruent.” Left and right body gestures may also be congruent or incongruent.
Calibration
Calibration is based on the ability to “read” another person’s nonverbal or energetic messages. It is useful, for example, to be able to calibrate for “yes” and “no” and “like” and “dislike” so that you can change what you are saying or doing when appropriate.
Chakra-Based Communication
Issues related to each of the seven major energy centers in the Human Energy Field (usually called Chakras) make themselves known in both verbal and nonverbal ways. Gestures to and from the chakras indicate where the energy associated with the topic originates as do certain language patterns. In many cases, they also reveal the approximate ages at which problems developed.
Discussion Questions
- How do “matching” and “mirroring” differ? Why are they important factors in establishing and maintaining rapport?
- What are the principal indicators of intrapersonal (within the self) congruence? How can you tell when your conscious and unconscious resources are in alignment and working together?
- How can you tell when two or more individuals are congruent with each other (in rapport)?
- What is required for you to be able to calibrate another person’s energy field?
- See the exercise on pp. 38-40 in Healing with Language, and find a willing partner. Practice calibrating for “like” and “dislike” and “yes” and “no.” Report on your experience increasing your ability to observe subtle communication.
- Use a pendulum, either one you have purchased or made (from a washer and dental floss, perhaps), and practice calibrating for yes and no. Start with things you are sure about (known likes and dislikes, for example), and progress to unknown areas that can be verified. Report on your results.
- Review pages 40 to 45 in Healing with Language, and then spend some time observing yourself and others in communication. Note examples of gestures and language that indicate the involvement of one or more of the chakras, and report your results.
Rapport (as explained to a sales person)
1. When you’re working on building rapport with a customer you can match or mirror. When you are matching someone that’s referring to utilizing similar language and having the same tone, pace and pitch. Mirroring is when you are changing your physical body to look similar to the person you are talking to. For example if your customer has their hand on the table you would (eventually during the conversation) move your hand onto the table as well. Matching and mirroring are important to building rapport because they are the observable parts of an interaction between people.
2. Credibility is an important part of building a relationship with someone. Credibility is most easily earned when you completely believe what you say. When you thoroughly believe what you are saying and doing you will exhibit congruence. Indicators of your own congruence can be seen or felt through your body language and an internal “gut” feeling.
I’m not sure how else to explain it to someone….Once I unlocked this secret it was so much easier to be in sales. When I am internally conflicted or confused on my answer it is more difficult to get the customer/sales person to go in the direction I desire. If I were explaining this to someone I would first start out asking about something they feel strongly about and then try to elicit some doubt through questioning, then when this was completed I would point out my observations to them to try and illustrate my point. If you have other suggestions they are welcome
3. If two people are congruent (in rapport) I look for similar body position (ex leaning forwards, hands on table, at side etc) The next thing I look for is facial expressions, these can either be similar or one will mirror the other as the conversation flows. If I can hear the conversation I listen for common language of sensory systems, and vocabulary. Energetically if I tune in I check to see how warm I feel when focusing on the interaction. If all of the above are similar then they are in rapport, if there is some difference or disparity then they are not in rapport.
The rest of the questions are on the way (hopefully later today)
Matching and mirroring refer primarily to posture and gestures. If we’re talking face-to-face, and I put my right hand to my chin (an auditory gesture), you would be matching me exactly if you also put your right hand to your chin in the same way. You would be mirroring me if you put your left hand to your chin (as in a mirror image). You would also be matching me if you used any auditory gesture.
You can match using language by using the same sense-based vocabulary. Mirroring doesn’t really apply.
Credibility is based primarily on observable congruence. It is also enhanced by meeting someone’s evidence procedure (what they need to see, hear, or experience to believe it). You could tell me that the moon is made of green cheese with absolute congruence, but I still wouldn’t believe it.
I find it especially interesting that you can use an internal calibration for sensing when two people are in rapport. Debra can do something similar. I have to go by observable nonverbal behavior.
4. To calibrate someone else’s energy field you need a sense of adventure! If I am able to forray into this arena with a sales person they really have to become flexible and “get” a little bit about energy work. If I was explaining it I would try and find out if they had an experience when they “knew” who was calling. That, to me, is where (in your body) you start to become aware of energetic energy calibration. Also I would explain that you have to be grounded and neutral to begin calibration otherwise current emotions could muddy the water. 🙂
5. In studying this one in depth with my husband I have become more proficient at noticing these subtle communications. It is amazing that when you really tune into a face you can really see Micro Expression (like in the TV show “Lie to Me”) So my oberservation is that he often trys to “agree” with something I’d like rather than state what he’d like, and I play the same game back. So the past few days have been about asking the questions and tuning into the subtle communication and Wowee things are smoother. Thank you NLP online course for all the reminders!
6. Notes on using a pendulum. This comes quite easy to me and strikes very true. I often use cards to write the answer on and then mix them around and then pendle over the cards to get a reading. I find when I don’t conciously “know” what cards are what I get a better reading because I have to tune into the cards as well as pendle.
7. I am starting to understand the concept of communication with Chakra involvement but need some time to get good at the observation. I find most of the NLP a review and confirmation but I need to do a deeper dive to attune with the chakra part. If you have any helpful tricks they would be welcome otherwise I’ll comment on this again down the line.
From a sales perspective, the main things to notice about a person’s energy field are first, whether the field is “expansive” or “contracted.” An expansive field is more open, receptive, and inviting than a contracted field. Second, notice whether the field expands or contracts when you present your sales points. If you are trying to sell me something, my field will expand or contract depending on how well I like what you are saying. This is basically calibrating for “yes” and “no” energetically instead of nonverbally.
Note that you can do this same thing with your husband. Begin pairing your sense of the nonverbal with your sense of the Energy. When you have doubts whether it is a “yes” (or “like”) or a “no” (or “dislike”), ask for a verbal confirmation: “I have the sense that you don’t really care for the vegetarian goulash….”
My experience with using the cards for “blind” questions is the same as yours. It helps not to know in consciousness which card is which question/possibility.
The first thing about chakra-based communication is to be aware of the location of the chakras and their associated issues. If you want an additional source for confirmation, see Awakening Intuition, by Mona Lisa Schulz. She is a medical intuitive and goes into great detail about the issues associated with the different chakras.
Main things: language suggesting a chakra and gestures to and from a chakra indicate chakra involvement. Those tell you both the nature of the problem and the time of life it probably developed.